everything. happens. in. phases.
seasons change. people change. places change. sometimes when i drive i like to turn the music off and listen to the sound of my two ton piece of shit car ride the highway. it helps me put things in perspective. i hate my job. i love my boyfriend. i can't recall all the details, but i know for sure i did used to have friends. i wish i was better at making decisions.
i want to quit smoking cigarettes. but every time i say it to myself, i automatically reach for another one. i think that it is one of the most tranquil feelings, if not the most, to sit on a porch, look out at the darkness of the night and make smoke patterns in the air with your exhales.
every morning i wake up different. good, bad, new, used, enlightened, inspired, mean, or destructive.
today i woke up late for work. i still haven't eaten and i still haven't smiled. and i've been up for four hours.
i sort of stink. i should probably go shower now..

you say you're so confused, but how can you know where you're going if you can't take your eyes from where you've been?

this is another time where i seriously just need to ramble, please excuse my lack of coherency here.
so dating is a heck of a lot of trouble, but here's the killer, love is the absolute worst.
the one constant thing lingering in the background of all my bad decisions, offering support in my worst times of need, directing me safely home when i am farthest and terribly lost, and waiting for me to "figure things out" no matter how long it took, is gone. this comes as a most devastating shock, though it should've been well expected by now. and actually as bad as it hurts and as hard as it is not to run in and smother in hopes of keeping my security here, i am most interested in seeing the long term effects this has on me. for so long i've wondered if i would ever be completely rid of this safety net to catch me every time i fall. so can i stand on my own? in all my logic and reason this is the best thing thats probably ever happened to me, but my heart burns so bad and aches whenever my mind turns to the object of my hardest loss and longest love. i am the freed woman that kneels to the ground and misses the shackles from my feet, to afraid to live a life that she fought so hard to obtain. i am afraid, sad, and yet relieved all at the same time. what couldn't be worse is that with every passing day i realize that there is actually not one single human in the whole world that i feel i can whole-heartedly relate to. i also fear that there never will be. this realization makes me feel extremely lonely. i run through my entire contact list almost daily and end up calling the same people, but the number shrinks by the day. i feel alone, i feel like i will always be alone. and as much as being alone scares me, its a safer feeling than being attached to something that doesn't relate to me entirely. what if i am never ready to fall in love? what if there is never anyone who i could compatibly fall in love with? what if i stay in limbo all my life and never make one earnest commitment ever? the questions that terrify.

"there is never ready, only willing" - nick and norah's